Overcoming Choices

You never realize how much your life can be altered until you reach the point where you must decide whether to continue down the same path or make the decision to change.  We've all reached this point and regardless of the support and advice, the ultimate decision comes down to you.  Some decisions are minor while others are major, but regardless each decision you make will alter where your journey ends.  

When I was younger and in school, I could never have imagined I would be where I am today.  I have had blessings along the way, but have also had to deal with heartache.  To have avoided the heartache, I wouldn't have my two blessings, so I come to believe that every decision made can lead to both pain and blessings.  Each thing we are faced with in life ultimately alters who we are and where we are going.  It can define who we are to become and what challenges lie ahead of us.

You're walking down a road and come to a pass.  One road splits off to two.  What stands before you is the decision of which road to take?  Just because one has been traveled on more does not mean that's the direction you are to take.  The decision is your choice and you don't always have all the information you need to make the best decision at that time.  So, how do you know what to do?

I woke up one morning with the realization that my life was not what I thought it was. Who was this man I married?  We all change as we get older, but to not even recognize him anymore was painful.  I'm not sure if what he had done and who he had become completely took me by surprise or if I just didn't want to acknowledge it.  I think we are strong individuals, but that strength is not realized until we acknowledge it is needed.  I had reached that point.  No matter how necessary my choice to leave was, the pain and disappointment and even shock was inevitable.  The emotions came flooding down, threatening to drown me as if I were trapped under a waterfall.  I felt the feelings rush on, but didn't realize that with those feelings came healing and hope..... my strength had started kicking in. As I went through the next couple of years of emotional highs and lows, I began to realize how much stronger I had become.

Every choice we make makes us who we are.

Every decision defines who we become.

Many will disagree with this, saying that our past does not define our future.  I can agree and disagree at the same time.  We can take the wrong path based on a wrong decision, but until we come back off that path to the right path, we will forever make wrong decisions.  You can change your life and get back on the right track to alter your future, but it will not be the ultimate future that you would have had before that first wrong decision.  You cannot go back and change your choices, you can only learn and move forward.  I cannot say my marriage was a wrong choice because I have two wonderful children.  I can say that I continued on the wrong path by staying as long as I did.  This led to additional hurt and pain, not just to me, but my children. This choice will forever alter who I am and who I will become, but hopefully it has taught me a lesson.  I will be more careful in the future which is good.  I cannot say that I will trust as openly though.  Some things are just harder to recover from when your mind never forgets.

 

Divorce

Such an ugly word....devastating...final..worse than death. In death, you know the person isn't coming back. You'll never see them again.  In a divorce, they are still there.  Every time, you begin to feel better, they do something else to hurt you or anger you.  It's like a disease that attacks your emotions, your memories - forever altering who you are - killing you instantly in one way or another, but not exactly finishing you off. You carry along the scars, but these scars cannot be seen.  Only you know they are there unless someone catches you at the right moment, a time when you let your guard down.  Everyone says they know what you are going through, but they don't even have a clue.  Your confidence is gone... your self-esteem falters....your trust non-existent...your heart shattered.  How do you ever fully heal from the experience?  Better yet, how do you ever fully recover from the events that led to the divorce?

Two lives blended....two families blended.  Both taking their respective side without even an inkling that the other side was hurt...was forever changed as well.  Regardless of who caused the problem or problems that led to the divorce; of who decided on the divorce; or who "wins" in Court....no one wins.  Not the man.....not the woman....and definitely NOT THE CHILDREN.  Oh...yeah....the children.  Does anyone ever really think how they are hurt?  What damage done?  Kids are bounced back and forth from one parent to the other.  They are either picked up consistently or left waiting, suitcase in hand for a parent that just doesn't show up; at a ballgame looking to see an empty seat.  That is enough emotional damage to last a lifetime.

Then comes the child support.  Now let's be realistic - You are a family....there are two incomes...you both equally support the kids...then the divorce happens...there is one parent that has the kids the majority of the time, trying to survive off of one income with only the addition of 20% of a second income.  To make matters worse, the parent paying the child support "doesn't want to give their money to the other parent."  So...be a jerk....you may be hurting the custodial parent....but hey, idiot....you're ultimately hurting your kids.  The required parenting class talks about how if you think it's hard on you....it's a lot harder on the kids.  They emphasize to attempt to keep the life as normal as possible for the kids.  That only works when both parents are trying.

Regardless of the age of the children, they will forever be hurt by their parents splitting.  It doesn't matter if they agree to the split, it still hurts.  The important moments in their lives will no longer be shared by their joined families, because this person can't stand their mother and that person can't stand their father.  The step-mother doesn't want the father around the mother and the step-father thinks the same.  Neither parent can neglect their responsibility.  The kids were not asked to be brought into this world.  Ultimately, the kids receive either minimal support and encouragement or no support and encouragement from a parent. Nothing is the same - birthdays, holidays, extra-curricular activities, and graduation.  Oh, yes...they are about to graduate, nearing the 18th birthday and you will finally be able to stop the support - one less bill to pay, right?  Parents who love their children do not measure support for their kids by their age.  They continue to support them, not necessarily financially, but emotionally.  If your child is struggling to get by, are you really going to watch it happen?   But hey, parent paying the child support.....you will never be rid of the ex.  There are still weddings and grand kids, so grow up and act like an adult.  Be the parent you should be.  Help heal the aching hearts of your kids.  Their hurt is so much deeper than anyone can ever imagine!

Sickness

We all have experienced sickness in our lives....some as minor as allergies or a cold, others a little worse with flu or pneumonia, but then there are the more severe illnesses that when diagnosed, it knocks the breathe out of us.  We pinch ourselves thinking that we are dreaming...that if we could just wake up, this nightmare would be over.  Then the reality sets in and we realize this is happening, that we are not invincible. While an author can write in an illness and either cure the character or not, we do not have the same power or control in the real world.  This is reality....we can either fight or lay down and give up.  You hear of others that are given this type of news and think, I would never be able to be so positive...so strong.

I have a friend that has just been diagnosed with stage 4 acute myeloid leukemia and as devastated as I am that my wonderful friend (a loving and caring mother....a wife....a nurse practitioner....a positive role model in the community) has this horrible cancer, I know my devastation is nothing in comparison to what she and her family are experiencing.  It's not unusual to think "why her?" or "she's too young!"  It's hard to make sense of anything as horrible as this.  After the initial shock of the news, the thought goes through your mind "thank goodness it's not me" which then leads to a heavy heart and massive guilt that you even thought it, not that you wish that on anyone else, but because you know you're not strong enough to fight something like that. Ultimately you find yourself where you should have been once the news hit.....on your hands and knees praying....almost begging God to cure her since he is the one in control.

Life is full of ups and downs....happiness and sadness....joy and sorrow, but we must learn to have faith, to not let the devil come into our lives and tear us apart.  We have to overcome the darkness we all have...that darkness we fight hard to keep pushed down - the jealousy, the hatred, the bitterness, the resentment. Satan sees when we are filled with light - our happiness, joy, love, contentment, caring heart, willingness to help others and he is sickened.  He weaves the thick web of hatred and deceit, jealousy and heartaches and watches as we squirm.  It is only through faith that we can overcome this, that we can push these things aside and remain positive and full of life.

If you are an avid or occasional reader, you can see in each book there is darkness and light - a character that is the villain and another that is always fighting against the villain.  As I was writing the other day, I began to think about the characters in my book and how each character displays a part of me - the romantic, the friend, the athlete, the mother, the sister, the daughter.  They each exhibit love and happiness, pain and panic, bitterness and regret - regardless of the character, I can see a part of myself demonstrated just based on what I have been through in my life.  It shows the thin line between walking in the light or letting darkness overtake us.  We each fight that battle on a daily basis just in how we handle ourselves based on the obstacles faced.  We can either think positive or dwell in negativity.

All-in-all we must learn faith, love, joy, peace, forgiveness, contentment.....
for faith can move mountains...
love can warm a heart.....
joy can be contagious....
peace allows calmness - the ability to see through clear vision...
forgiveness leads to a happy heart not tainted by hatred.....
contentment shows that even in the worst of times, we realize that money is not everything....material things are not everything...but love and family and friends help sustain us in this evil world as we await our eternal life.

It's easy to just give up, but fighting shows that we have hope in us...that we have faith in us and that faith can inspire others....faith gets us to the eternal life where there is no sickness...no sorrow...no pain.  We must face hardships in life.  I consider these tests of our faith....our way of proving that we will not allow the devil to rip us away from our heavenly father.  We want the eternal life in heaven, not life in hell where the devil gets his thrills off hurting us in comparison to being loved in heaven by God.

I see the obstacle my friend is facing as a test of her strength...of her willingness to fight or give up and as I have always known....she is a fighter.  She has so much to live for....she has her family....she has her friends....she has herself....but most of all....she has her faith, faith in a better tomorrow....faith in God and ultimately understands he is in control.