Hopelessness

What is so great in the lives of each and every one of us that can lead us to a feeling of hopelessness?  We are provided with many blessings, yet it can still be very much present. Is it just a mind set or is there something deeper going on?  Many feel hopeless after the loss of a job, a love, or a combination of many things. There is an overwhelming desire to just give up. Have you every felt like this?

Most days I feel a sense of peace and happiness, while other times it feels like nothing is going right or will ever go right and I am swallowed up in the abyss, wandering around looking for my purpose in this world. If I continue on for long, I see only negativity and the feeling of hopelessness sets in. What one thing starts this domino effect in your life?

As many of you may be aware I was married for 18 years, only to have to end it due to his infidelity. What that does to the self esteem of the person on the receiving end, I cannot even begin to describe. One little confession can start a ripple effect that can unravel every truth you ever thought existed. It led me to leave the home I'd known for 5 years to seek support and guidance from my family. I took a job so that I could continue to support my kids and tried to keep my head up and remain positive, but things seem to kick you while you're already down. That job was alot to take to my already beaten down ego and with the level of negativity and constant put downs, I found myself in a position that nothing I could say or do would be right. A failed marriage, the sudden move from a place I called home, and this job led me to slip into that abyss. Nothing was going right. I felt my life had no purpose or meaning. Why is it that I allowed myself to me swallowed up?

Leaving the job I loved, the home I loved, and my friends to end up in this harrowing experience, filled my life with too many regrets. Instead of realizing that whether I could see it or not, God brought me to my situation for a reason, I saw nothing, felt nothing but the hopelessness that was consuming me. 

You cannot see what good is to come when you've lost sight of your purpose. I was about to give up even trying....no...I had given up. I laid in bed watching television, lights off and curtains shut. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone. The hopelessness had just about taken me over to the dark side.  I'm not sure what changed in me, other than to say I still had that little ounce of faith in me that my life would change. I got the courage up to leave that job and set out for a more positive environment. I began writing again providing me with an outlet to talk, to express what I was feeling deep inside since that's the easiest way for me. I have a really great family, and a great Christian friend to talk to. He tries to make me see the positive side to life, tries to uplift me.  We all have others around us to talk to but sometimes they don't even know the right thing to say. They try and we love them for it, but you don't really feel the complete sense of peace. 

As time moved forward I found a person that I could talk to about anything, someone who loves me unconditionally, knows my hurts, my regrets, my wants, my needs, someone who is always there for me day and night; someone who has seen me laugh, seen me cry --someone that has been there all along and regardless of whether we see it or not, knows what is best for each and every one of us....God. I know he's always been there, will always be there, but when you find yourself down and out and blinded by the views the devil is putting in front if you, it's hard to see the one who actually loves and cares about you. I feel blessed for my family, my friends, and my church family, but feel so blessed to have someone patient and forgiving enough as He is and could only be. 

Headlights and Manners

You see the heading and wonder how these two subjects even relate to each other.   You may even have a clue or your own interesting story....but this is mine. It is quite interesting how you can take two random words and make them relate.  It's also quite interesting how just two words can have such a lasting effect on someone.

Have you ever been at a function outside, laid back listening to music, and gazing at the stars only to get blinded by headlights?  I mean they see you lying there. They could turn off the headlights until they clear the area of people then turn them on and carry on about their way. There's nothing like trying to readjust your eyes after a sudden bright burst of light. One minute you see a star, the next it's like "there's a sky up there?"   See where I'm going with this?

What's happen to society and being considerate of others?  If you raise your kids to be respectful, saying yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir...you are in the minority these days.  Gone are the days of manners and as the manners go away, so have our promise for future leaders of our country. Who is going to be running our country one day?  Many of you will think that you are glad you won't be around to find out, but why not do something to ensure that this country will not fall, will not fail!

Next time you are out in public, take a look around.  Does it look like it did years ago?  Now while growth is great and people like new things, I wonder how nice life probably was back in the days when children would never back talk their parents without a slap in the mouth.  I never would have treated or talked to my parents the way some do now.  Where has the respect gone to?  Children tell their parents what they are going to do....they have no respect for authority - whether at home or at school.

So....back to the headlights. If you are driving down the road with your lights on bright, turn them on dim when you meet a car.  If you are at a large function having to park in a field or grassy area located near where people are trying to relax and enjoy music or a movie or star gazing....think about how you would feel if you were the one being blinded by the headlights. Take that brief moment to remember your proper raising and turn them off momentarily....have respect and manners for others. Show that this country is not going down the tubes due to lack of discipline, lack of care or concern.

Best Friends - Guys v. Girls

Friendship is so important in life and much needed sometimes to survive life's many challenges.  A good and true friend is very hard to find and when that friendship is lost it is as devastating as Mother Nature's fury. The only thing about that devastation is that it is not as visible, at least with me it isn't.  I tend to hold everything inside until I am curled in a ball on the floor with a box of tissues.  I don't like to burden others with my problems and pain.  I have the philosophy that I am the one that was stupid enough to be in this situation, so I deserve everything I feel when it falls apart.  

When a girl suffers a broken heart, she runs straight to her best friend to help in easing the hurt.  It's not really going to make the pain go away, but it makes it a little more bearable to have someone to talk to.  That works great unless your best friend is a guy.  Girls who have guy friends know what I'm talking about.  Guys are just not as sensitive to women's emotions as girls are which really makes them bad best friends to a girl. To make matters worse, what if  he is the one that has broken your heart.  Do guys say and do things intentionally to hurt girls?  Is it the male ego thing?  

Many times in relationships, a girl and guy tend to lose themselves in each other and alienate all the friends they have.  Bad idea!  When they break up, they feel they have no one to talk to or no one would understand.  Regardless of whether you want to acknowledge it, you always have your family.  The only problem there is that they don't always understand the reason for your pain.  A girl may hear "he wasn't good enough for you" or "you're better off without him."  At that time, that is the last thing you want to hear.  You don't want to hear how you need to "pick up and move on", "it would have never worked" or "there are more fish in the sea."  Really?  Aren't you just sensitive!  At that particular moment, you don't need truth or reality, you need someone to listen to you and hold you in your vulnerable state where "you'll never be the same" and "he was the one."  Your heart is shattering into a million pieces so sympathy would be great folks!

This is where the friend comes in.  She or he is normally there to listen to you, offer advice when needed, and to have your back.  This someone does not do something intentionally to hurt you. This is not a friend. 

Dear Guy Friend,

Don't be a jerk and flirt with someone else or talk about some other girl in front of me. That is insensitive.  I know that you have no clue, but do you have no heart either?  

Sincerely, 

I'm Standing Right Here  

That's the note that you want to give them pinned to the tennis ball you are throwing at their head, right?  I mean get a clue, dude.  I say all of this girls to provide some advice.  You may not like it or even follow it, but here it goes:

Girls, having a best friend that is a male is not a good idea.  He can be your friend, the one you go to when someone has physically hurt you, but not someone you go to when you are upset and need to talk.  If you develop feelings for him, run the other direction fast because #1 - he has no clue and never will, and #2 - when you realize that it will never work, you may just end up losing a good friend because things will never be the same afterwards.  

When searching for that best friend, find someone that you have something in common with, someone that is sensitive and is a good listener, someone to have fun with because when that heart break comes (and it will), she will listen to you, cry with you, get mad at him with you, protect you, and eventually help you laugh again.

Letting Go

Have you ever had something in your life so disturbing or upsetting that you just can't let it go?  I wasn't raised to hang on to things I have no control over, so why do I?  People are just human and cannot always do or say the right thing and many times those things will directly cause grief to the one they love and supposedly care about.  How do you move forward after something like this?

I know we are to look to God for help, for strength, for guidance.  What's difficult is forgetting.  Your mind can be your friend or your worst nightmare.  Even things pushed back or buried deep will eventually resurface if you do not learn to face it, overcome it, and let it go.  That's a lot easier said than done though and one of the many things that I struggle with daily.  My memories hang on tight, especially bad memories and run the risk of consuming me at the most inopportune time.  Cloudy and rainy days are the worst.  They are like fuel for bad memories and past hurts and my reality check that I cannot bury things forever.  I try to teach my kids to talk about things so that they can overcome them and heal from them, yet here I sit wound tight, confiding in no one...but why?

I have always enjoyed reading astrology.  I'm a Virgo and regardless of which astrology book that I have picked up, each describes me about 100% accurately.  I don't like chaos.  I like things neat and orderly.  I want honesty and trust....yadda yadda yadda.....but one thing that always puzzles me is "Virgos are big on communication" - Huh?  Yeah...right.  I expect others to communicate, but I myself do not offer the same courtesy.  How do you share your inner thoughts?  your feelings? your hurts? your dreams?  Well, maybe the dream part I can.  The only way I can really communicate is through the written word.  I can text my feelings, email my feelings and share a piece of my inner thoughts and soul with a reader if I would ever let go of my book to allow others to see the real me.  My characters display not only others around me, but many parts and characteristics of me.  It's as if I take myself and split it between characters, developing each to portray something about me that means something, something that most people may or may not see.  I have always been somewhat outgoing and can hide my feelings, hide my hurt and pain from others.  If you are close to me though, you know that the true window to me and how I am feeling is in my eyes.  They are the window to me and I have never been able to hide anything from anyone.  Even new friends can look in my eyes and tell that I am hurting or upset or mad or stressed.

I've lived a world of hurt that even my closest friends and family have no clue about.  They see in my eyes that I am hurt, but don't know the story, don't know the extent.  If only I could talk, could share, could really open up. . . maybe then I would learn the true art of Letting Go!