Letting Go

Have you ever had something in your life so disturbing or upsetting that you just can't let it go?  I wasn't raised to hang on to things I have no control over, so why do I?  People are just human and cannot always do or say the right thing and many times those things will directly cause grief to the one they love and supposedly care about.  How do you move forward after something like this?

I know we are to look to God for help, for strength, for guidance.  What's difficult is forgetting.  Your mind can be your friend or your worst nightmare.  Even things pushed back or buried deep will eventually resurface if you do not learn to face it, overcome it, and let it go.  That's a lot easier said than done though and one of the many things that I struggle with daily.  My memories hang on tight, especially bad memories and run the risk of consuming me at the most inopportune time.  Cloudy and rainy days are the worst.  They are like fuel for bad memories and past hurts and my reality check that I cannot bury things forever.  I try to teach my kids to talk about things so that they can overcome them and heal from them, yet here I sit wound tight, confiding in no one...but why?

I have always enjoyed reading astrology.  I'm a Virgo and regardless of which astrology book that I have picked up, each describes me about 100% accurately.  I don't like chaos.  I like things neat and orderly.  I want honesty and trust....yadda yadda yadda.....but one thing that always puzzles me is "Virgos are big on communication" - Huh?  Yeah...right.  I expect others to communicate, but I myself do not offer the same courtesy.  How do you share your inner thoughts?  your feelings? your hurts? your dreams?  Well, maybe the dream part I can.  The only way I can really communicate is through the written word.  I can text my feelings, email my feelings and share a piece of my inner thoughts and soul with a reader if I would ever let go of my book to allow others to see the real me.  My characters display not only others around me, but many parts and characteristics of me.  It's as if I take myself and split it between characters, developing each to portray something about me that means something, something that most people may or may not see.  I have always been somewhat outgoing and can hide my feelings, hide my hurt and pain from others.  If you are close to me though, you know that the true window to me and how I am feeling is in my eyes.  They are the window to me and I have never been able to hide anything from anyone.  Even new friends can look in my eyes and tell that I am hurting or upset or mad or stressed.

I've lived a world of hurt that even my closest friends and family have no clue about.  They see in my eyes that I am hurt, but don't know the story, don't know the extent.  If only I could talk, could share, could really open up. . . maybe then I would learn the true art of Letting Go!