How can he really be gone?!

The last few days have been nothing but a blur, like time has stood still and moved forward at the same time.  I'm at a loss, not knowing how to think or even feel.  I know that loss occurs, that death happens but it's not supposed to happen to someone so close to me.....to someone so full of life...to someone so young but the reality of it all is that death shows no mercy.  It takes you regardless of age or race, regardless of male or female. There is no discrimination, no matter how lonely you are or how loved you are, whether you've accomplished a lot or nothing at all.  It waits not for you to become a spouse, a parent or even a grandparent, but will snatch you up early in your life, late in life or smack dab right in the middle of your life.

God has his reason for it and while we should think how lucky that person is to be free from the chaos of this world, from the obvious hell on Earth, we are also human and that selfish side never wants to lose them.  We never want to feel that debilitating and devastating pain, that horrific ache from losing a person who meant so much.  It doesn't have to be a blood relative for you to experience the pain from a death.  Whether a parent, sibling, grandparent, or child, you are connected to them based on DNA.  A friend you are not, so a friend is just a friend, right?   WRONG!  A friend is someone you choose to bring into your life, into your family, someone that you love like family which means their death is just as hard.  The pain of losing your friend is equivalent to the pain of losing your relative.

I lost my best friend (well. . .one of them) and I know that loss will forever change me.  The hurt is so great that there are moments that I feel that I am suffocating.  I have all the good memories in my head but it makes my heart ache even more because I know that there can never be any new memories.  I am further plagued with guilt because over the last maybe 6 months or so, I have not seen him much or talked to him as regularly, regardless though I cared for him as much as my own brothers.  Best friends are always like extensions of your family.  They are "partners in crime," the one(s) you go to when you don't feel like being grown up and just want to do something stupid or sometimes even juvenile.  But they are also there when you need them the most, through troubled times, heartbreak or in my case when your only daughter gets married.

You know you've chosen well when your best friends pack up and travel out of state to be there for you, to support you knowing how much your daughter's wedding is actually affecting you.  How about a best friend offering to walk your daughter down the aisle because her own father is absent?  My daughter and I just cried when he said this.  You know, friends like that are far and few between and when you lose them, it's a great loss, a devastating loss.  That kind of friend can never be replaced.

So....I sit here today still in a daze, waiting for someone to pinch me, to tell me it isn't true, that it is a mistake, that he is okay, but the pain in my heart that I feel which radiates deep down to my core tells me differently.  The lack of posts on Facebook or Instagram, lack of Snapchats to me and my daughter using goofy filters, the fact that I've not heard crickets chirping from my phone to indicate a new text from him in four days are painfully clear indications that he's just. . . . gone. Gone. . . how can he be gone....how can that be true?!  I cannot even fathom the thought, yet I have to. I'm supposed to accept it, but I don't want to.  I just cannot bear the silence, don't know how I will ever be able to live the rest of my life knowing that I'll never speak to him again. . . that I'll never see him again.  Losses this great changes everything.

It's Complicated

Life throws many things at you - some expected and others not so much.  There are unexpected pregnancies, deaths, breakups, medical issues, car problems, financial problems, etc. . .the list could keep going and going.  Many times when you are faced with situations such as these or speak to someone that is going through something of this nature, you will hear the statement, "It's complicated."  I'm sure you have said it yourself because I know I have, but is it that the situation or circumstances are really that complicated or that our lack of acceptance makes it that way?

Perfect example:  A girl and guy are in a relationship.  They've been dating awhile (or maybe not even long at all) and she comes up pregnant.  Parents ask what happened and the daughter says that it's complicated.  Translation: I had sex with my boyfriend.  We didn't use protection and I am now pregnant.  --- It's not that she mysteriously got pregnant or it was another virgin birth, she just doesn't want to disappoint her parents. . .hence the complication.

Or how about boy and girl meet, date, fall in love, and then one falls out of love and decides to break up, saying it's complicated.  How complicated can it actually be?  Is he/she trying to spare the feelings of the other? To let the other down easy? It's kind of like the statement "It's not you, it's me."  What does that even mean?!  Just have the guts to stand up and say, "I am not interested in you like that" or "I've met someone else."  The truth is a lot easier to swallow than the vague statements.

Vague statements lead to confusion, analyzing of the relationship/situation and trying to determine what happened or what went wrong.  That's where the complication comes into play . .the not knowing and not having answers due to someone's blatant misleading comments, vague comments, or lack thereof. It also comes from the constant thoughts and memories you just can't let go of, the ones that have you thinking that everything was perfect when maybe it really wasn't.  Thinking is fine, but over thinking and over analyzing draws you into the world of complication.

Complications in life stem not only from the situation but also from our view of the situation.  It's all in our thinking process and possibly our way of not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation or in an attempt to protect others from the details.  Basically to rid the world from complications, you have to start with yourself, with your own thinking, with truth and honesty not only towards yourself but towards others as well.  Then and only then can the complications in the world fade away.

Life goes on. . .or does it?

Where do I even begin. . .

Love and relationships can be so hard, but are even harder after a divorce.  It seems like since my divorce, I keep meeting people that end up being so scared of relationships and commitment that opening my heart and letting down my guard isn't even worth it anymore.  It's not like me to be in a relationship and stay guarded.  I open my heart so that the other person can see the true me, but I haven't been lucky enough to receive the same in return.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up and if it's possible, I am even more devastated than I've ever been.  He's an awesome man - laid back, country boy, heart of gold, and just an all-in-all simple man - that's actually his nickname so even hearing the song now has me welling up in tears.  Everyone has told me we are great together. . .perfect together. . .complement each other and I have such a clear vision that I see it the same way.  So. . .what happened?  Divorce happened.

It takes time to heal after a divorce, regardless of who filed.  You go through stages of grief just like that of a death, but what makes it harder is that you know the other person isn't dead.  They are living their life and moving on and you can become stuck which prevents you from moving on, picking up the pieces and attempting love again.

So....here I am torn. I can't be upset with him because I know where he is, know how he is feeling because I have been there.  I want to help him through this and not for my own benefit in hopes of working things out, but because I hate to see people hurting.  Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to work things out with him because I really cannot imagine my life without him, but I also want him happy, full of life, and content.  If it ends up that we don't get back together and go the distance, I at least want him as a friend.  It would hurt to see him with someone else, loving someone else, but his happiness means more to me than my own selfish wants.

The Rumor Mill

Your character is so important and it only takes one mistake. . .one negative comment. . one rumor to ruin it for a long time.  I sit here this morning at the point of tears as my heart is going out to my son right now.  The product of a split family, he hasn't taken it well and if only he could have that one positive male role model to bring him out of the abyss he is slowly sinking in is all I ask for.  I will never understand how he feels since my parents are still together, having been married for nearly 50 years now.  I look at them and feel myself to be a failure because it is possible to stay married, to work through the hard times or bad times but I have failed my kids and so I take full responsibility for what my son is going through.

I know at some point in your life, you must quit blaming yourself for the choices your child makes and he/she must in turn quit blaming others for the choices he/she makes and learn that our actions have consequences.  I try to be a positive role model, to influence him to think about things before he makes choices, but at 18 (and we've all been there), you think you know it all.  You're invincible and don't need guidance anymore, don't need rules and curfews.  He's finding out that being 18 isn't as great as what he always thought.

Where as a parent do you draw the line?  When do you step back and let them make their own mistakes, let them deal with their own consequences?  You try to give them space, to "loosen the umbilical cord" and then they go and do something stupid and you're left with the guilt that the reins shouldn't have been loosened at all.  You think you get through to them and then they go and do something else stupid or start hanging out with the wrong crowd. Why can't they see this?  Who we hang around with can make or break our reputation and why are others so quick to judge?  If there is a good kid in the middle of a troubled crowd, isn't it possible that they can be trying to be a positive role model for the others, that they are trying to help their friends out of the abyss they are sinking in?  Why do they necessarily have to be "part of the trouble"?

I am also stunned at the number of people just out looking for gossip.  It doesn't matter if it's true or not, they will absorb it and then let it spew from their mouths like vomit.  To those of you like this, I have one question. . .is your life THAT boring that you have to go around spreading crap without any inclination whether there is truth to substantiate the words you spread?  Words spoken cannot be retracted.  Even if it is determined the rumor is false, the words will still be there, thoughts still in the minds of those that heard it and there you have gone and ruined another person's reputation, slandered their name and their character. . . .what do you have to say for yourself now?

I personally feel my responsibility is to my own kids. I need to worry about them and if I am being the parent I should be, I don't have time to worry about your child and what they are doing.  Furthermore I wouldn't be trying to blame someone else's kid for MY kid's choices.  Go and deal with your own child and leave mine alone.  Yours has a brain.  Yours has free will to make their own choices so don't blame their stupidity on mine and I will likewise not do the same. 

The challenges and struggles in life

Each and every day brings forth not only the same challenges but also new challenges.  This old world isn't easy. Sometimes it's a task just to get out of bed in the mornings and go on with your day with what feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders.  A friend of mine was talking about how vacant respect is in the world today and I fully agree.  It's so hard to be the kind of person who would bend over backwards for someone else when it's so obvious they wouldn't do the same.  Why have things gotten this way?  Have people gotten so busy that they forget they aren't the only ones on the planet?

It's apparent we live in a selfish society as we see the number of divorces continue to go up.  Unfortunately for my family, I am one of the numbers.  No one puts forth 100% in marriages anymore.  It is assumed it is easy, yet if you have the unrealistic idea that marriage is always wonderful, you are sadly mistaken.  Marriage is a job and it takes both people working to make it work.  When it becomes one working while the other is taking and giving nothing in return, failure sets in and the marriage is doomed.  Those that have experienced divorce know that while it gets easier over time, you will always have it looming over your head.  You can accept it and move on, but you will always have that sense of failure, the fear that it will happen again.  This is one of those challenges that I mentioned.  Taking each day as a new day and staying positive isn't easy.  Divorce can leave you with self doubt, fear, resentment, etc. and overcoming that, trying to move on and start a new relationship is scary.  You don't want it to fail in the same way so that can cause you to hold back, to not give the 100% necessary for that relationship to thrive and grow but how do you overcome that?  How do you leave your baggage behind and be fair to the new relationship?  Maybe you can answer that, because I'm not sure I can.

I have the type of personality that actually puts in 110% of myself.  I will bend over backwards to do what I can to help others.  That's me and what makes me happy.  I have been told I am a people pleaser and while that may be true to an extent, it's also true that doing for others makes me happy.  The downside to that is it also makes me susceptible to be taken advantage of sometimes.   This goes back to the selfishness of the world today.  You have givers and you have takers.  The givers give it their all and the takers drain them with no return.  If the givers stop giving, they are not truly themselves doing what makes them happy and makes them who they are and will ultimately become part of the larger population of takers, those who are greedy, selfish, clueless.  Instead of going over to the dark side to the world of takers, those that drain you of who you are we need to shift over to the world of givers, a world where we care about others enough to stop and help them when they are in need.  Pay it forward whether we can afford it or not. Become a world that is generous, loving, caring, kind, considerate and lose the bitterness, resentment, hate, greed, and selfishness.  We are all human and have our flaws. We all have our problems,  We've all made mistakes.  Be there for others. . .say a kind word. . .help your friend in need.  This doesn't always relate to money, but time and attention.  Be there and listen to them when they need to talk. Be their shoulder to cry on when they are down and out.  Be by their side through their dark days and help lift their spirit.  Walk with them, beside them, guiding them through their hard times so that they may find the light at the end of their tunnel.  Have respect for their feelings and for them and don't take their kindness for granted.  Don't be a taker, a drainer, but show them that you care enough to give in return on their bad days.  Be a friend. . .a true friend.  Be a true companion, a true significant other.  Give them 110% as they are to you. Be their shoulder to lean on or their rock when they need it because even the happiest person you know, the most giving person you know is struggling with something inside.

Do you want to raise a kid in this world?

My daughter and I were talking a couple of days ago about her fear of raising kids in today's world.  She is getting married next year and of course one day wants to have her own kids.  Things have changed so drastically even since I was a kid myself.  Morals have become so lax, discipline seems almost non-existent and it's honestly sad to see how our own kids are afraid of what their children will be raised in.

Actually my boyfriend and I were discussing this very topic not too long ago and how he fears what society will be like when he has grand kids.  I want grand kids myself but understand his fears and concerns.  What has happened to this world? It seems as if evil is becoming more present everyday and that good has taken a backseat.  Who is to be responsible for turning things back around though?  While one person has been said to make a difference, it will take many "one persons" to overcome the downward spiral we see happening.

Now I'm not saying that everyone and everything in the world is bad, but goodness is being overshadowed by war and chaos, murder and deceit.  With each generation, they will see worse than what we have seen and I can say that I have seen some pretty bad things happen in my lifetime.  The events of 9/11 will be forever burned in my memory.  I mean seriously, who does things like that?

I have tried to raise my kids to see good in everyone and everything, to see a world with hope and where dreams do come true, but as they grow up I see a change in their attitude and views based on being out in society and experiencing the hatefulness and cruelty of their peers.  How can anyone stay positive?

At this point, it's safe to say that no one knows what the future holds.  If things continue, I may be like others in saying don't bring another child into this harsh world, a world where fear is very much present when we walk out our doors or send our child to school; a world where selfishness is in full bloom, a world all about money and material possessions. . .this is not the world that I had hoped for my kids to live in and definitely not the world that I want my grand kids raised in.  I wish sometimes we could go back to the simple days where families were big and meant everything, where there was no rushing around, and where vows were not made to be broken and marriages lasted a lifetime.

The Forgotten Meaning

Christmas is coming so fast I wish I could put the brakes on and slow it down.  Everyone is frantically running around doing last minute shopping, wrapping presents, and baking cookies and pies and cakes. . .all in preparation for Christmas.  As we are all in a mad rush for the right present and the perfect deal, hatefully snatching up an item quicker than another, you kind of want to step back and say "what the hell?!"  Why has Christmas become so commercialized?  Better yet. . .why have we allowed Christmas to become commercialized?  If you were not from around here, you could still identify where the malls are. . . .it's the exits that are backed up with bumper to bumper traffic, everyone impatiently pushing the person in front of them an inch at a time.

Millions of people get in debt every year at Christmas and then spend the rest of the year trying to pay off their credit cards so they can do what. . . .the exact same thing again next year.  Is this really what this time of year means?  We have forgotten the meaning of the holiday season. I like shopping for others just like the next person, but I am finding that the older I get, I see that it's not about the number of gifts or the amount spent but about the thought.  Remember reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas or even watching the movie?  The Grinch finds out what the true meaning of Christmas is.  Spoiler alert:  it's not about the presents!

The three wisemen came bearing gifts to Jesus - gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Due to the commercialization of the season, can you imagine wrapping that for your kid?  These gifts are symbolic just like the gifts we give, however what we give does not have as much purpose and meaning as on that special day.  I don't think video game or gaming system can be symbolically and purposefully compared to the gifts of the Magi.  It's not that I am putting anyone down for what is bought, I am just concerned over the forgotten meaning of the holiday season and whether the younger generation really fully understands the purpose of this day.

Let's take time out from the commercialization and actually celebrate the birth of Jesus.  Read to your kids the story of the birth of Jesus.  Let's celebrate his life, celebrate the life we were given, the true gifts we are surrounded by - our family, our friends, even nature.  Step out of your day-to-day routine and sit in the woods for a few hours, listen to the world around you - to its life, to its sounds and feel the onset of its peace.  Find awe and amazement over everything you encounter - the rising and setting of the sun, the billions of stars in the sky, the sounds of the birds. . . just everything and feel blessed.  Be thankful to be alive. Be thankful for the sacrifice.  Be thankful for the birth of Christ.

Surround yourselves with those you love and reflect on the true meaning of this season.  Have a safe, wonderful and meaningful Christmas!