Life throws many things at you - some expected and others not so much. There are unexpected pregnancies, deaths, breakups, medical issues, car problems, financial problems, etc. . .the list could keep going and going. Many times when you are faced with situations such as these or speak to someone that is going through something of this nature, you will hear the statement, "It's complicated." I'm sure you have said it yourself because I know I have, but is it that the situation or circumstances are really that complicated or that our lack of acceptance makes it that way?
Perfect example: A girl and guy are in a relationship. They've been dating awhile (or maybe not even long at all) and she comes up pregnant. Parents ask what happened and the daughter says that it's complicated. Translation: I had sex with my boyfriend. We didn't use protection and I am now pregnant. --- It's not that she mysteriously got pregnant or it was another virgin birth, she just doesn't want to disappoint her parents. . .hence the complication.
Or how about boy and girl meet, date, fall in love, and then one falls out of love and decides to break up, saying it's complicated. How complicated can it actually be? Is he/she trying to spare the feelings of the other? To let the other down easy? It's kind of like the statement "It's not you, it's me." What does that even mean?! Just have the guts to stand up and say, "I am not interested in you like that" or "I've met someone else." The truth is a lot easier to swallow than the vague statements.
Vague statements lead to confusion, analyzing of the relationship/situation and trying to determine what happened or what went wrong. That's where the complication comes into play . .the not knowing and not having answers due to someone's blatant misleading comments, vague comments, or lack thereof. It also comes from the constant thoughts and memories you just can't let go of, the ones that have you thinking that everything was perfect when maybe it really wasn't. Thinking is fine, but over thinking and over analyzing draws you into the world of complication.
Complications in life stem not only from the situation but also from our view of the situation. It's all in our thinking process and possibly our way of not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation or in an attempt to protect others from the details. Basically to rid the world from complications, you have to start with yourself, with your own thinking, with truth and honesty not only towards yourself but towards others as well. Then and only then can the complications in the world fade away.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Life goes on. . .or does it?
Where do I even begin. . .
Love and relationships can be so hard, but are even harder after a divorce. It seems like since my divorce, I keep meeting people that end up being so scared of relationships and commitment that opening my heart and letting down my guard isn't even worth it anymore. It's not like me to be in a relationship and stay guarded. I open my heart so that the other person can see the true me, but I haven't been lucky enough to receive the same in return.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up and if it's possible, I am even more devastated than I've ever been. He's an awesome man - laid back, country boy, heart of gold, and just an all-in-all simple man - that's actually his nickname so even hearing the song now has me welling up in tears. Everyone has told me we are great together. . .perfect together. . .complement each other and I have such a clear vision that I see it the same way. So. . .what happened? Divorce happened.
It takes time to heal after a divorce, regardless of who filed. You go through stages of grief just like that of a death, but what makes it harder is that you know the other person isn't dead. They are living their life and moving on and you can become stuck which prevents you from moving on, picking up the pieces and attempting love again.
So....here I am torn. I can't be upset with him because I know where he is, know how he is feeling because I have been there. I want to help him through this and not for my own benefit in hopes of working things out, but because I hate to see people hurting. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to work things out with him because I really cannot imagine my life without him, but I also want him happy, full of life, and content. If it ends up that we don't get back together and go the distance, I at least want him as a friend. It would hurt to see him with someone else, loving someone else, but his happiness means more to me than my own selfish wants.
Love and relationships can be so hard, but are even harder after a divorce. It seems like since my divorce, I keep meeting people that end up being so scared of relationships and commitment that opening my heart and letting down my guard isn't even worth it anymore. It's not like me to be in a relationship and stay guarded. I open my heart so that the other person can see the true me, but I haven't been lucky enough to receive the same in return.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up and if it's possible, I am even more devastated than I've ever been. He's an awesome man - laid back, country boy, heart of gold, and just an all-in-all simple man - that's actually his nickname so even hearing the song now has me welling up in tears. Everyone has told me we are great together. . .perfect together. . .complement each other and I have such a clear vision that I see it the same way. So. . .what happened? Divorce happened.
It takes time to heal after a divorce, regardless of who filed. You go through stages of grief just like that of a death, but what makes it harder is that you know the other person isn't dead. They are living their life and moving on and you can become stuck which prevents you from moving on, picking up the pieces and attempting love again.
So....here I am torn. I can't be upset with him because I know where he is, know how he is feeling because I have been there. I want to help him through this and not for my own benefit in hopes of working things out, but because I hate to see people hurting. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to work things out with him because I really cannot imagine my life without him, but I also want him happy, full of life, and content. If it ends up that we don't get back together and go the distance, I at least want him as a friend. It would hurt to see him with someone else, loving someone else, but his happiness means more to me than my own selfish wants.
The Rumor Mill
Your character is so important and it only takes one mistake. . .one negative comment. . one rumor to ruin it for a long time. I sit here this morning at the point of tears as my heart is going out to my son right now. The product of a split family, he hasn't taken it well and if only he could have that one positive male role model to bring him out of the abyss he is slowly sinking in is all I ask for. I will never understand how he feels since my parents are still together, having been married for nearly 50 years now. I look at them and feel myself to be a failure because it is possible to stay married, to work through the hard times or bad times but I have failed my kids and so I take full responsibility for what my son is going through.
I know at some point in your life, you must quit blaming yourself for the choices your child makes and he/she must in turn quit blaming others for the choices he/she makes and learn that our actions have consequences. I try to be a positive role model, to influence him to think about things before he makes choices, but at 18 (and we've all been there), you think you know it all. You're invincible and don't need guidance anymore, don't need rules and curfews. He's finding out that being 18 isn't as great as what he always thought.
Where as a parent do you draw the line? When do you step back and let them make their own mistakes, let them deal with their own consequences? You try to give them space, to "loosen the umbilical cord" and then they go and do something stupid and you're left with the guilt that the reins shouldn't have been loosened at all. You think you get through to them and then they go and do something else stupid or start hanging out with the wrong crowd. Why can't they see this? Who we hang around with can make or break our reputation and why are others so quick to judge? If there is a good kid in the middle of a troubled crowd, isn't it possible that they can be trying to be a positive role model for the others, that they are trying to help their friends out of the abyss they are sinking in? Why do they necessarily have to be "part of the trouble"?
I am also stunned at the number of people just out looking for gossip. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, they will absorb it and then let it spew from their mouths like vomit. To those of you like this, I have one question. . .is your life THAT boring that you have to go around spreading crap without any inclination whether there is truth to substantiate the words you spread? Words spoken cannot be retracted. Even if it is determined the rumor is false, the words will still be there, thoughts still in the minds of those that heard it and there you have gone and ruined another person's reputation, slandered their name and their character. . . .what do you have to say for yourself now?
I personally feel my responsibility is to my own kids. I need to worry about them and if I am being the parent I should be, I don't have time to worry about your child and what they are doing. Furthermore I wouldn't be trying to blame someone else's kid for MY kid's choices. Go and deal with your own child and leave mine alone. Yours has a brain. Yours has free will to make their own choices so don't blame their stupidity on mine and I will likewise not do the same.
I know at some point in your life, you must quit blaming yourself for the choices your child makes and he/she must in turn quit blaming others for the choices he/she makes and learn that our actions have consequences. I try to be a positive role model, to influence him to think about things before he makes choices, but at 18 (and we've all been there), you think you know it all. You're invincible and don't need guidance anymore, don't need rules and curfews. He's finding out that being 18 isn't as great as what he always thought.
Where as a parent do you draw the line? When do you step back and let them make their own mistakes, let them deal with their own consequences? You try to give them space, to "loosen the umbilical cord" and then they go and do something stupid and you're left with the guilt that the reins shouldn't have been loosened at all. You think you get through to them and then they go and do something else stupid or start hanging out with the wrong crowd. Why can't they see this? Who we hang around with can make or break our reputation and why are others so quick to judge? If there is a good kid in the middle of a troubled crowd, isn't it possible that they can be trying to be a positive role model for the others, that they are trying to help their friends out of the abyss they are sinking in? Why do they necessarily have to be "part of the trouble"?
I am also stunned at the number of people just out looking for gossip. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, they will absorb it and then let it spew from their mouths like vomit. To those of you like this, I have one question. . .is your life THAT boring that you have to go around spreading crap without any inclination whether there is truth to substantiate the words you spread? Words spoken cannot be retracted. Even if it is determined the rumor is false, the words will still be there, thoughts still in the minds of those that heard it and there you have gone and ruined another person's reputation, slandered their name and their character. . . .what do you have to say for yourself now?
I personally feel my responsibility is to my own kids. I need to worry about them and if I am being the parent I should be, I don't have time to worry about your child and what they are doing. Furthermore I wouldn't be trying to blame someone else's kid for MY kid's choices. Go and deal with your own child and leave mine alone. Yours has a brain. Yours has free will to make their own choices so don't blame their stupidity on mine and I will likewise not do the same.
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