Saying Goodbye

Goodbye. . .This has to be one of the most difficult words to say and I'm not talking about a simple "goodbye" when someone leaves the house.  I am talking about the "goodbye" you say to someone that is no longer in your life in the same way.  There are some people that come into your life and you just can't let go - you just don't want to let go. . .you have let them so deep into your heart that the footprints there will ever remain very present, their loss never forgotten.  I have only experienced this one time before in my life and now. . .yet again.  What is the cause of this hurt?  Why can some people leave your life and you are okay, but certain ones rip away a piece of your heart carrying it with them when they leave?

When you open your heart to someone and then you part ways, it changes you.  While you can become whole again, its not the same whole and it's not easy.  You never really go back to who you were.  Recently I've had to say goodbye to someone I truly love - quirks and all - and it has been so much harder than my experience saying goodbye and having to walk away from my 1st love.  You know how 1st loves are. . .2nd loves are just 10x harder.  This letting go process has had me wavering back and forth, had me second guessing.  I know I love him, so why do I walk away?  Why must I be the one to say goodbye?  I honestly think we may have met before we were supposed to. Have you ever heard the timing isn't right?  I've never understood that until now.

Goodbye is never good. . .I mean who ever came up with that word.  It shouldn't have been "Goodbye" because I don't think there honestly is a good goodbye.  Are you ever happy when someone leaves?  How would it even be possible for goodbye to be good at the end of a relationship?  In my situation, it's not good at all.  The pain from it has consumed me. . .suffocated me. . .changed me.  I am shut down and guarded because I literally cannot take another heart break.  The first was bad enough. . . this one is killing me.  No one can understand why or how I feel the way I do. . .I just do.  You don't choose who you fall in love with, don't choose who takes your heart - it just happens.  As I sit in my solemness and thoughts, I am reminded of the song by Clint Black, "Bad Goodbye."  You remember that one?  He sang it with Wynonna.

"Goodbye

Easier said than done

Goodbye

There's no good when you're the one

Whose goodbye you swore would never come

And in my goodbye you're finding none."

There can never be a good goodbye when you don't want to leave, when you know how bad you feel and hurt. Just because you know it's for the best doesn't change anything.  I've sat and wondered if there is something more I can do. Is there some way to rectify this situation, to meet in the middle - to prevent this pain, prevent another rip to my heart?  At this point, I don't think so.  Black goes on to sing, 

"How can we be so far between

Where we are and one more try?"

That says it best - asks the question that is burning in my mind.  How can we be so far between?  Why can't there be a compromise?  

I have said goodbye, but I can only hope it's more of a "Goodbye for now."  If God has it in his plans, our paths will cross again and maybe next time will be the right time, maybe next time will be our time, for now it's only bittersweet memories.  "The hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to say goodbye." - Anonymous